Patterns, their stories and their strategies

So much of our behaviour is governed by patterns laid down earlier in life. These patterns carry both a story and a strategy: a way of making sense of what is happening, and a way of responding when something is at stake.

For many people, recognising that these patterns were once intelligent and protective is a turning point. They kept us safe, connected, and accepted in conditions that might otherwise not have allowed for that.

Over time, our identities and our behavioural patterns can become so entangled that it’s hard to see them as separate. We stop wondering if things could be different and accept that this is simply who we are.

My work is based on the premise that although patterns can feel personal, unique, and just part of who we are, they are in fact structural. When we begin to approach them in this way, they become easier to recognise, understand, and work with.

Why loosen them at all?

Patterns are efficient in that they run along well-worn pathways in our minds and nervous systems. But because they are primarily defensive, they can block access to the deeper resources within us, the very capacities we need to move through difficult times and to grow beyond them.

Because they are defensive it also means that while they are activated, we are behaving and making decisions in a reactive way not from a position of genuine free choice.

Patterns can also be surprisingly energetically demanding to sustain, especially when we find ourselves caught between competing patterns with different strategies.

You might think of working with our patterns as working with a tangled ball of wool. It’s hard to see where one thread ends and another begins. But if we follow a single thread carefully, loosening it with patience, the whole structure begins to give.

Everything we need is already in us. Our patterns are both the way life has organised itself so far, and the place we begin to find our way beyond it.

This takes time. But with attention and patience, patterns can be loosened and something lighter, more open, steady, and self trusting can begin to take shape.

Ultimately, meaning and purpose are not things we find alone. Even when there is nothing beneath us, if we can step out of managing ourselves and the moment, and into real contact with ourselves and others, life begins to answer back.